~heart problem~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T my diary. This time, it's really a long gap. From January to June, I didn't write anything on you and I'm sorry for that, diary. By the way, my third year has finished. The lectures, assignments and final exams were over. Now is the time to buy all the things that need to bought, pack all the things that need to be packed and spend all the time as wise as possible as this may be my last time being in the UK. How sad. Time is ticking fast. 17 more days and I'll be back to Malaysia for good. Who could expect that 3 years has just passed in a blink of an eye (hmm, not literally obviously). It feels like yesterday when I first arrived in Heathrow Airport, settling down and so on. And now, the time has come for me to go. Hmmm, I don't want to write about the farewell. I don't want to even think about it. Let's just cherish the moment, okay Ira?

Currently, I have a problem with my heart. Opps, not scientifically like having a disease or something but this is about the most abstract things ever existed, the feeling. Have you ever felt like you want to be loved? Have you ever felt like you want to love someone wholeheartedly? Have you felt that way? This is just what I feel right now. I know this is merely a lust or desire. But I can't resist. This feeling is worsening especially after I watched some movies and dramas lately. Full of loves, full of dreams. I know it doesn't really exist, it is just the director's way of expressing artificial love stories, but I keep imagining and daydreaming. Huh, what a loser.  

To make it worse, I always feel like there is someone outside there who secretly loves me. It is sometimes to an extent that it doesn't make sense. To some people whom I think are impossible to love me like what I imagine. I then ended up feeling excited by myself, like a crazy. Haha, pathetic. And I always scold myself not to think about other people in such way. But, I just failed to convince myself to stop. It's hard. I hate this feeling. It makes me feel like I'm a loser. Always need someone to rely on. Someone, a person. And not to Him, to Allah. 

It is really an easy thing to say but it is really a struggle. I know that I'm not ready for the next phase of life, I mean, marriage. I know that. But somehow I want someone to love me and care for me like how a husband would do to his wife. I really need to stop this conflict or else, I would have severe heart problem. My heart will become weak. Weak to dunya, to the world, desire, lust...I want to be strong and prepare myself for my true love in the future, which I think would be another 5 years, maybe? I once said to my friend that if anyone ask me for marriage, I might give him 80% assure that I will accept him. That easy. But when I think back, no, I shouldn't do that. Many other things need to do before I accept that person. Istikharah, do research about his family, tawakal, leave it to Allah. 

I have to stop this feeling and I really need someone that can bring me forward, leaving all these nonsense behind. I need to move on, focus on things that are far more important to me; my career, skills, knowledge of both dunya and akhirat. So many things that you lack and you dream of having a guy to love? Shame on you. There are too many other responsibilities that you need to do, love is just a small part and it is obviously not now. Move on, Ira. Move on.

Just believe, when the time is right, Allah will show you who that person is. InsyaAllah. Your jodoh has already been written in Lauh Mahfuz. Already written. Yes, I need to put effort, but seriously Ira, not now. Strengthen your heart first, leveling up your faith, be a true Muslimah. Then, you can search. 

That's it. I need to pen-off. Off for Subuh prayer at 2.45 am, UK time. Sorry for the emotional thoughts. Alright, Salam. ^_^