Saturday, July 27, 2013

~This side of me~

           Assalamualaikum. How are you? I’m good, Alhamdulillah. I’m currently in my all-time beloved country, and continuing my journey as a teacher-to-be in in the state full of hills and rocks (if you know geography enough, you might know where I am right know..hehe.. :p). A month has passed since I left the UK but still I can’t fully move on. Need a year maybe. Anyway, today, I want to share you guys a side of me in which I think is not good yet I want to write it off no matter what-haha!

           I am bad. Bad. Bad human being. If people don’t know me enough, they might say that I am a shy girl with good manner (bluerk, praising myself..over you ni tau..). But, unfortunately, I’m a complete opposite. It’s a long story but to make it short, I have to say that I am so ‘mulut celupar’, don’t know how to take care of others’ feeling, don’t know how to arrange my words well so that people won’t get hurt from it, have that annoying face that always annoys others no matter what I do, don’t know how to reply others well, and all of these, end up hurting others. For that, I hate this side of me.

            I don’t want to be negative but somehow if I don’t write this down, this feeling will overwhelm me and I’ll feel really suffocated inside. This personality of mine always makes me think that I’m no one’s dearest, and not even qualified to be close to. And if I ever become close to someone, that person will get hurt and slowly she or he would go away from me. I can sense that. I really feel sorry for everyone who is related to me. Sorry.

            Yes, I want to change myself. I want to change how I speak, how I show my face to others, everything. But I just can’t. I just don’t know how to handle problem, I just don’t know how to soothe others’ heart, I just don’t know. And sometimes I make it worse. That’s why sometimes I feel like living alone in a cave, by myself and die slowly there with no one by my side (huhu, tragic…).

              I know that particular friend of mine whom I think of her as my best friend might actually feel that I’m just any other friend. Many others are better and can keep her company. Someone who can talk with her, someone who can share her problems with, someone who has interesting life stories and someone who can just make her happy. And I bet it’s not me.  
              I just want to say this. I’m sorry for not being sensitive enough with my words. I’m sorry for speaking out of my mind without considering the sensitive issues that you are keeping in your heart all this while. I’m sorry for not be able to be in happy, motivating mode all the time. I’m sorry for sometimes leaving you alone and spend time more with others. I’m sorry for not becoming a friend who has the most brilliant brain in the world. I’m sorry for you need to face me every day despite all the things that I have done to you. I’m sorry for you have to befriend with this disgusting person. And I’m sorry for hurting you in any ways. I really hope you read this although I think it’s kind of impossible. But seriously I really hope you read this.

             Seriously, writing this make me feel so bad of myself. I started to hate myself. I bet if counsellors encountered my blog, they might pm me and offer their helps to help me, to retrieve myself again. They might say, ‘this kid need help, she is in a dangerous state’. I really hope someone will pm me for real. Haha… That would be fun. Ok la. Need to pen off now. Otherwise, I might write something worse that people might think that I need to go to psychiatrist. Immediately. Huuuu…Ok2, bye. Salam.