Tuesday, October 29, 2013

~my life as a campus girl~

Assalamualaikum my diary. It has been a long time.....again. Hehehehehe.. How are you guys? I'm here doing just fine. Life in Malaysian campus is not that bad. You just have to accept it wholeheartedly. Yeah, just like that. Huh, easier said than done. Forget about that. Today, I just want to share with you something. It is about drama series that I had watched recently. Of course, it's a Korean drama, hehe and this drama is called The Master's Sun.

To be honest, this drama is not that realistic to everybody in this world but it might be real for some who have sixth sense ability. Huhu. Alright, let me be straight to the point. This drama is about a woman named Tae Gong Shil who has a very special ability, she can see ghosts! She can even talk to them, help them solve their problems and even be them when she was drunk. Basically, she is like a guiding angel for the ghosts community. Errkkk... Out of the blue, she met her safety hideout; someone who can chase away all the ghost when she touched him. Of course, it was him, a man. Love story what...haha.. To cut the story short, she was appointed by that man, Joo Joong Won, a CEO of Kingdom to solve a mysterious case of the dead Han Hae Joo. After several incidents of touching and hugging (heeee.... :P), these two fell in love. Finally, they live together, happy ever after. Auuuwww.... So sweet... ^_^

Although this drama is kind of nonsense for me, I enjoyed it so much. Maybe because of that handsome and sporting Joo Joong Won. Meltinggggg....... Hmm, I want to relate this drama with my life. But how? Ottokkhaji? .......... Opps, I've got nothing in my mind. It's just something superficial and I don't think I can relate it much to my life. So, I'll let this hanging ok? Mianhae..

Let's jump to other topics. Lately, I was so busy with assignment, micro teaching, test...endless works. And next week, I have to submit 2 assignments and there will be one exam to be taken. Argghh..stress...huuu :(( It's okay Ira. This is just the beginning. Once you start working, you will become as busy as ever and you might not even have time to watch drama or whatsoever. Huhuhu... And one more thing, since I got back to Malaysia, I think I've strayed too much from Islam. Not saying that I'm not practicing it at all, but it just that I felt lost and far from Allah. No more usrah, no more Youtube talks, no more live talks. I felt so lost. And there were lots of times that I felt my heart was totally empty. And what I did was watching K-dramas. Lingering on it, daydreaming on it. Pathetic. I really need that urge. The urge for a change. Ya Allah, help me my Lord.

Hmmm... from happy to watch The Master's Sun to lots of works to being far away from God... this post is just so random. I think I need some more 'bahan' to be talked in the future. Something interesting and nice. Ok la. I need to pen off. See you next time. Wassalam.



Saturday, July 27, 2013

~This side of me~

           Assalamualaikum. How are you? I’m good, Alhamdulillah. I’m currently in my all-time beloved country, and continuing my journey as a teacher-to-be in in the state full of hills and rocks (if you know geography enough, you might know where I am right know..hehe.. :p). A month has passed since I left the UK but still I can’t fully move on. Need a year maybe. Anyway, today, I want to share you guys a side of me in which I think is not good yet I want to write it off no matter what-haha!

           I am bad. Bad. Bad human being. If people don’t know me enough, they might say that I am a shy girl with good manner (bluerk, praising myself..over you ni tau..). But, unfortunately, I’m a complete opposite. It’s a long story but to make it short, I have to say that I am so ‘mulut celupar’, don’t know how to take care of others’ feeling, don’t know how to arrange my words well so that people won’t get hurt from it, have that annoying face that always annoys others no matter what I do, don’t know how to reply others well, and all of these, end up hurting others. For that, I hate this side of me.

            I don’t want to be negative but somehow if I don’t write this down, this feeling will overwhelm me and I’ll feel really suffocated inside. This personality of mine always makes me think that I’m no one’s dearest, and not even qualified to be close to. And if I ever become close to someone, that person will get hurt and slowly she or he would go away from me. I can sense that. I really feel sorry for everyone who is related to me. Sorry.

            Yes, I want to change myself. I want to change how I speak, how I show my face to others, everything. But I just can’t. I just don’t know how to handle problem, I just don’t know how to soothe others’ heart, I just don’t know. And sometimes I make it worse. That’s why sometimes I feel like living alone in a cave, by myself and die slowly there with no one by my side (huhu, tragic…).

              I know that particular friend of mine whom I think of her as my best friend might actually feel that I’m just any other friend. Many others are better and can keep her company. Someone who can talk with her, someone who can share her problems with, someone who has interesting life stories and someone who can just make her happy. And I bet it’s not me.  
              I just want to say this. I’m sorry for not being sensitive enough with my words. I’m sorry for speaking out of my mind without considering the sensitive issues that you are keeping in your heart all this while. I’m sorry for not be able to be in happy, motivating mode all the time. I’m sorry for sometimes leaving you alone and spend time more with others. I’m sorry for not becoming a friend who has the most brilliant brain in the world. I’m sorry for you need to face me every day despite all the things that I have done to you. I’m sorry for you have to befriend with this disgusting person. And I’m sorry for hurting you in any ways. I really hope you read this although I think it’s kind of impossible. But seriously I really hope you read this.

             Seriously, writing this make me feel so bad of myself. I started to hate myself. I bet if counsellors encountered my blog, they might pm me and offer their helps to help me, to retrieve myself again. They might say, ‘this kid need help, she is in a dangerous state’. I really hope someone will pm me for real. Haha… That would be fun. Ok la. Need to pen off now. Otherwise, I might write something worse that people might think that I need to go to psychiatrist. Immediately. Huuuu…Ok2, bye. Salam.  


Thursday, June 20, 2013

~shipping things and keeping the memories~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T. my dear diary. Today is the shipping day. All of our three years stuffs are now on their way home, to our homeland, Malaysia, to a new home. Sigh. How fast time flies and that three years nearly come to an end. 7 days left and that's it. We're going back. What is my feeling right now? Sad? Happy? Reluctant to go? All is there, mixed.

While packing my stuffs, the memories of the past three years just crossed my mind. Coming here with that formal black blazer suit, notes of lectures, the clothes; old and new, everything touches my heart. I know every little thing we do will end and i didn't expect it to be this fast. Ouch. Feels like crying. The feeling of the first time stepping on the British soil; that feeling of happy, shocked, nervous, embracing me yet again. Being far from my family, missing many of family events; my sister's wedding, Genting Highland trip, I've faced it all. Getting high marks in assignment and examinations, yet getting low marks too, show me the real me, where is my level, my ability. Being somehow mistreated by some racists whether for my religion or my origins, teaches me the other side of life far from that complacent seat like what I'm in in Malaysia. Interacting with other people; British, international people, somehow help me improve my communicating skills, although I have to admit that it is not that superb. Lots of things, lots of experiences and lots of memories were created while being in here, in the UK.

So, what is my plan next? Since the shipping is done, now i will pack my things up for the cabin. Seems like a big thing to do too, 40 kg per person with a grads card, a lot right? Yes, a lot, really a lot one. I still have several things to buy and I need to go to the town soon. What more? Hmm, yes, closing the bank account and terminating the Three mobile phone contract. Many things to do in these 7 days. Hopefully, I'll make the most of the precious time here. I might not be coming here anymore, so, I need to spend the time left wisely. Ouch, the time is so short. Ya Allah, make me strong.

Bonus for this entry, a picture of me with the boxes!


Monday, June 10, 2013

~heart problem~

Assalamualaikum W.B.T my diary. This time, it's really a long gap. From January to June, I didn't write anything on you and I'm sorry for that, diary. By the way, my third year has finished. The lectures, assignments and final exams were over. Now is the time to buy all the things that need to bought, pack all the things that need to be packed and spend all the time as wise as possible as this may be my last time being in the UK. How sad. Time is ticking fast. 17 more days and I'll be back to Malaysia for good. Who could expect that 3 years has just passed in a blink of an eye (hmm, not literally obviously). It feels like yesterday when I first arrived in Heathrow Airport, settling down and so on. And now, the time has come for me to go. Hmmm, I don't want to write about the farewell. I don't want to even think about it. Let's just cherish the moment, okay Ira?

Currently, I have a problem with my heart. Opps, not scientifically like having a disease or something but this is about the most abstract things ever existed, the feeling. Have you ever felt like you want to be loved? Have you ever felt like you want to love someone wholeheartedly? Have you felt that way? This is just what I feel right now. I know this is merely a lust or desire. But I can't resist. This feeling is worsening especially after I watched some movies and dramas lately. Full of loves, full of dreams. I know it doesn't really exist, it is just the director's way of expressing artificial love stories, but I keep imagining and daydreaming. Huh, what a loser.  

To make it worse, I always feel like there is someone outside there who secretly loves me. It is sometimes to an extent that it doesn't make sense. To some people whom I think are impossible to love me like what I imagine. I then ended up feeling excited by myself, like a crazy. Haha, pathetic. And I always scold myself not to think about other people in such way. But, I just failed to convince myself to stop. It's hard. I hate this feeling. It makes me feel like I'm a loser. Always need someone to rely on. Someone, a person. And not to Him, to Allah. 

It is really an easy thing to say but it is really a struggle. I know that I'm not ready for the next phase of life, I mean, marriage. I know that. But somehow I want someone to love me and care for me like how a husband would do to his wife. I really need to stop this conflict or else, I would have severe heart problem. My heart will become weak. Weak to dunya, to the world, desire, lust...I want to be strong and prepare myself for my true love in the future, which I think would be another 5 years, maybe? I once said to my friend that if anyone ask me for marriage, I might give him 80% assure that I will accept him. That easy. But when I think back, no, I shouldn't do that. Many other things need to do before I accept that person. Istikharah, do research about his family, tawakal, leave it to Allah. 

I have to stop this feeling and I really need someone that can bring me forward, leaving all these nonsense behind. I need to move on, focus on things that are far more important to me; my career, skills, knowledge of both dunya and akhirat. So many things that you lack and you dream of having a guy to love? Shame on you. There are too many other responsibilities that you need to do, love is just a small part and it is obviously not now. Move on, Ira. Move on.

Just believe, when the time is right, Allah will show you who that person is. InsyaAllah. Your jodoh has already been written in Lauh Mahfuz. Already written. Yes, I need to put effort, but seriously Ira, not now. Strengthen your heart first, leveling up your faith, be a true Muslimah. Then, you can search. 

That's it. I need to pen-off. Off for Subuh prayer at 2.45 am, UK time. Sorry for the emotional thoughts. Alright, Salam. ^_^

Monday, January 21, 2013

~Friendship in Winter~

Assalamualaikum w.b.t my dear diary. After months and months and months, I start to write again. What would be the things that I want to share with you guys today? Hmm, let's see. Now, here in Coventry is winter time and recently, it's snowing!! Non-stop!! I don't want to waste my probably-last-chance snow time with sleeping and resting in my warm room. Instead, I went out and played with snow, built snowman, snowfighting, made snow angel and the whole lots of super duper awesome things you can do with snow (sorry, i'm exaggerating too much..Haha!!).

Having fun is one thing but there's another thing that I'd learnt during this time. Friendship. Yes, friendship. I realised, a person without friends is nothing. Life would become so lonely and pathetic, making you feel desperate, stressed, homesick, sensitive over things, even small little tiny things. You will start blaming others although they might not have any idea about what is it all about. You will blame them if you haven't been invited to something or in other word, being left out from joining them doing something. Life feels so pathetic. You are all alone. Alone. And that made me realise that sometimes we have to put an effort to have friends. We need to make the first step. Go and be friends. Go and socialise. Go. Just go. Sometimes, people don't like it when you only want people's attention but you yourself don't give some of yours. Balancing is what you need. And this, honestly, is something that worried me the most and I'm still struggling on it, struggling to be a better friend.

Many of my friends, I love them a lot and I wish them to love me too. And I believe, with them beside me, I will be more happier, more courageous to move forward and face the challenges in the future that I myself wouldn't have any clue about. And one thing I believe is that looking at our own friends could say a lot about ourselves. What we like, what we are comfortable with, our personality, our interest. And it would become a scary thing if I've chosen wrong friends to befriend with. But, honestly, there's no word for a wrong friend. Everyone has their own personality and it depends on us who we choose. It is just that, we need to know the limit and have principles, and I believe, that just enough for us to survive in a friendship.

Ok. Breathe....Out...Breathe...Out...I was initially planning to tell you guys about winter and what I had done!! Out of my control and it turned out that I'd written all those serious things...Haha!! And when I am excited to tell you guys some other stories, I don't think I can continue. It's just too late now. 2.30 am! For God sake Ira, you should have been sleeping right now. I really really would love to write more but I just can't. Hope to see you guys in the next entry soon. See ya! Salam. ^_^