~the biggest regret~

Assalamualaikum my diary.... It's been so long since my last entry... Today, I just wanna share my feeling-the biggest regret. Frankly speaking, I am a bad person, a bad girl, a bad grandchild....Everyone wants a grandmother, but I wasted a chance that not everyone can have. I treated my grandmother not in the way that I supposed to treat her. Shame on me...

This is hard to express...Before, seeing her, listening to her, were all the things that really annoyed me. I hated myself for that. I've done a lot of bad things and when I think it back, I really hope I can turn back time. She, before, rarely ate together on the table with all my family members. Why? I don't know. It had been a long time and it had always be the same. She looked at us, hoping for us to ask her eating together and we were so ignorant... not ignorant but more to stupid. Stupid... She once asked me to take a thing for her, and me, what was I doing? Lingering....simply don't wanna hear her words...and after a long waiting, I did what she asked me. Ira, what was that?? Astaghfirullahalazim.....

She never felt happy all the time that she lived with us. When she lived with us, she looked gloomy...gloomy and gloomy...but, one day, when she moved into my aunt's house, I can see her glowing eyes. She looked happy...happy...and happy... Yes, I was happy for her. She finally found the place where she should be. Until one day.....

It had been a year and since I was sick, she stayed in Mak Long's house. It was a very particular day in the month of Ramadhan, on Monday, if I was not mistaken, 25th of Ramadhan, she appeared in my dream. She called my name, my full name. She introduced me to her friend, acknowledged me as her grandchildren. Smiling. Right after that, I woke up to hear that she was sick...dying....It was so coincidence and that slapped me...Ouch....I felt terrible. I went to visit her and the first word that she said to us, "Where's Ira?" O Allah. I was ashamed of myself, she remembered me...The very next day, I fed her with rice porridge and she ate it deliciously. It was a lot and I felt weird. It was just not like any other day. She then felt sick and in front of my eyes, she was again...dying. It was so sudden and she had a hard breathing and it was so quick and she was not there anymore.

Innalillahiwainnailaihirojiun...

Allahuakbar, I was speechless. Everything that I'd done in the past just passed through my mind. I was astounded. It was my first time I saw someone passed away in front of my eyes and that moment will always be in my mind, never and ever can't be erased. No more words of forgiveness I can ask from her. No more. It stopped there. All the relations between everyone alive and her just stopped. Stopped....One more thing that really killed me inside was that just before she died, she told my aunt to take her back to her home. And her home is my house.... A home that never made her happy...A home of hell for her... But she, she still wanted to be there...as her last stop.

It has been two years and I will never forget her for the rest of my life. She taught me. She inspired me. She reflected me. She did a lot to me. She made me think. She made me realise. She, she, she.......was everything for me. I regretted all my doings before..MasyaAllah... I will never be forgiven for all my wrongdoings to her. Astagfirullahalazim... I hope I will never do the same to my mother, to my father, to my family...I don't want the same thing happens all over again..I will regret it and I don't want to feel it anymore. Enough, that's enough. Learn from mistakes. Always pray for her...Remember her...Visit her... I really hope that anyone out there, please, don't do this....you will regret it for the rest of your life.....You can't never forget it and that is what happening to me all the time.

To my grandmother, Atok... I am begging for your forgiveness although I know it is impossible. I was stupid back then. I should treat you better but this is all just my dream right? I can't turn back time. This biggest regret will always haunt me until my last breath and I know I can't change that. Thank you Atok...If there were no you, there will be no me. I will love you, always... Al-Fatihah.