I am bad. Bad. Bad human being. If people don’t know me
enough, they might say that I am a shy girl with good manner (bluerk, praising
myself..over you ni tau..). But, unfortunately, I’m a complete opposite. It’s a
long story but to make it short, I have to say that I am so ‘mulut celupar’,
don’t know how to take care of others’ feeling, don’t know how to arrange my
words well so that people won’t get hurt from it, have that annoying face that
always annoys others no matter what I do, don’t know how to reply others well,
and all of these, end up hurting others. For that, I hate this side of me.
I don’t want to be negative but somehow if I don’t write
this down, this feeling will overwhelm me and I’ll feel really suffocated
inside. This personality of mine always makes me think that I’m no one’s
dearest, and not even qualified to be close to. And if I ever become close to
someone, that person will get hurt and slowly she or he would go away from me.
I can sense that. I really feel sorry for everyone who is related to me. Sorry.
Yes, I want to change myself. I want to change how I speak,
how I show my face to others, everything. But I just can’t. I just don’t know
how to handle problem, I just don’t know how to soothe others’ heart, I just don’t
know. And sometimes I make it worse. That’s why sometimes I feel like living alone
in a cave, by myself and die slowly there with no one by my side (huhu, tragic…).
I know that particular friend of mine whom I think of her as
my best friend might actually feel that I’m just any other friend. Many others
are better and can keep her company. Someone who can talk with her, someone who
can share her problems with, someone who has interesting life stories and
someone who can just make her happy. And I bet it’s not me.
I just want to say this. I’m sorry for not being sensitive
enough with my words. I’m sorry for speaking out of my mind without considering
the sensitive issues that you are keeping in your heart all this while. I’m sorry
for not be able to be in happy, motivating mode all the time. I’m sorry for
sometimes leaving you alone and spend time more with others. I’m sorry for not
becoming a friend who has the most brilliant brain in the world. I’m sorry for
you need to face me every day despite all the things that I have done to you. I’m
sorry for you have to befriend with this disgusting person. And I’m sorry for
hurting you in any ways. I really hope you read this although I think it’s kind
of impossible. But seriously I really hope you read this.
Seriously, writing this make me feel so bad of myself. I
started to hate myself. I bet if counsellors encountered my blog, they might pm
me and offer their helps to help me, to retrieve myself again. They might say, ‘this
kid need help, she is in a dangerous state’. I really hope someone will pm me
for real. Haha… That would be fun. Ok la. Need to pen off now. Otherwise, I
might write something worse that people might think that I need to go to
psychiatrist. Immediately. Huuuu…Ok2, bye. Salam.
